Chris: “I guess they hadn’t figured out yet that you just turn the air conditioning off on set and give Hedaya his lines to read and he just GOES.”
Alleged Buff is a series where MattRob talks to a guest about a film that they haven’t seen, what they think it is about, whether they were interested in seeing it. Then they watch the film and talk about it after. Chris Moore continues his run of selecting 80s actioners.
Commando (1985) is a wild, gross movie. As with Red Dawn (see our discussion here), it is one that I saw many times as a kid but haven’t revisited in a while. I grew up during the 80s and 90s, so we had a huge VHS collection. And we allegedly did the thing (statute of limitations has passed?) where we’d rent and then record three movies onto a single VHS tape. I’m pretty sure that the tape with Commando had Three Amigos as well, because the two movies are linked in my brain despite having no tangible connection.
My guest this week is Chris Moore, who has a slightly different experience than I do regarding action movies of our childhoods. I talked with him about this Arnold Schwarzenegger film, then we sat and watched it together (remotely). What follows is a lightly edited transcription of that chat.
CM: My understanding of this movie is extremely limited. I’ve seen maybe five minutes of it on TV once – I think with you – and wasn’t even sure that memory was right until I confirmed Alyssa Milano is in it. Anyway, that’s about it. If I had to guess, it’s an extremely violent movie. Since no one has ever even recommended I watch it I’m assuming it’s not violent in a “fun” or creative way either. I obviously wasn’t allowed to watch anything like this as a kid, but as I grew older I caught a fair number of the standard hits like Predator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day. This one never came across my radar. Arnold is obviously the titular commando. At certain points he probably wears camouflage. Almost definitely fires a rocket launcher and jumps away from an explosion. Also guessing he’s killing people in a third-world country who in other movies would be clearly identified as anti-Imperialist or anti-authoritarian freedom fighters? Seems like that happened a lot in these movies since those were the only wars Boomers had to hang their nationalist hats on.
CM: Can’t decide if this is going to be super gory – like full of blood – or if it’s one of those weirdly sanitized ones in which a guy gets shot but there isn’t any blood. Was that part of Hollywood’s marketing of violent-ass movies like this to kids in the 80s and 90s? Like how Robocop had a cartoon and a kids’ breakfast cereal or something? I’ll never get over that. Robocop is an INSANE movie. It’s really good, but I’d never let someone under 12 or 13 at the absolute youngest watch it, and even then only with a parent there to explain that it’s satire for the most part. Maybe the later Robocops were tamer? I only saw Robocop 2 much later in life and didn’t care for it, but I generally understood that kids around me were seeing that stuff in like the 3rd grade. Anyway, I’m guessing this is more of a Robocop 2 than a Predator–a movie which absolutely rules.
CM: I’m hoping for some corny, fun performances at least. Since you told me Hedaya and Duke are in it that definitely ups my interest. I’m assuming both will have extremely sweaty performances–literally and figuratively. I’m a genuine fan of trying to be charming Arnold too, so I’m hoping the daughter angle means this is part of that era, or at least the beginning of it. His acting is meh, but he’s just a weird as hell guy to watch so I enjoy him in stuff like Twins and True Lies. In his later movies he became a decent overall performer, too, although the movies kinda got worse and worse.
CM: So my prediction is: Mediocre action movie with questionable politics that might tick me off as a lefty parent. Guessing I will laugh a little, too and enjoy some of the set pieces. Was definitely expecting a lot more from Red Dawn, so maybe this one won’t disappoint.
Mid-Movie Thoughts
MAR: John Matrix. John. Matrix. Matrix, John. “That will be $34.53, and about 15 minutes. The name for the order?” “John Matrix.” “Matrix, part of two.”
CM: I don’t get the Matrix jokes. Oh, is his name John Matrix?
MAR: Yes, yes it is.
CM: This garbage truck is full of paramilitary types, right?
MAR: 1,000%.
CM: SLEEPIN WITH MAKEUP ON. BOTH OF THEM. And she’s waaaaaay hotter than him. Although that could just be because he doesn’t have hair. She’s obviously like 25 though and he’s…. 35 at the youngest. BILL DUKE. Their pajamas match their sheets and blanket. Gross.
MAR: Just try to hide Bill Duke’s face behind a bandanna. It’s like Ralph Fiennes in The Hurt Locker.
CM: Well I laughed out loud when he said “I was afraid you’d miss me.”
MAR: Good line here, btw.
CM: Swarthy car dealer. THIS IS NOT SMART letting him have the keys to the car inside the showroom. Jesus christ. Bill Duke is being way too brazen. …BOATS. Matt, I’m on board so far. Is he gonna steal the boat?
MAR: He might blow up the boat. So that’s Toecutter from The Road Warrior. (Sorry, he plays Wez and not Toecutter. –Ed.)
CM: I don’t know who Toecutter is but I have seen that one. And yes, he’s stealing the boat. While a shockingly skinny Bill Duke watches. Just threw up my hands. It will take everything in me to root for Arnold over Bill Duke in this. And if Hedaya is on Duke’s side… forget about it.
MAR: I know, I know. Bill Duke was in Mandy, which I just watched. And it made me so happy even though he only had one scene.
CM: This shadow is [Matrix’s] wife and she’s about to die, right? Like in the next scene? After a gross weird sex scene… OK, it’s his daughter instead. Good fake-out. I like funny, charming Arnold but this is coming off a LITTLE too hammy. So far. He gets like, so fucking weird and kinda good later. Eraser? He’s great in that. True Lies. Some of it though… kinda shit.
MAR: He is also good in Twins. Nails the comedy beats.
CM: I love this font for the credits, but I think it’s because it is the exact font they used on the cover of Baseball Monthly in the 80s and early 90s. Yeah, Twins is good! He became a pretty good actor. Even in those shittier ones in the ‘00s. …OK so this helicopter is gonna blow up his house. Which is what I expected anyway but with his wife or something. Never mind, this is like John Hammond coming in to tell him that he needs to go to Jurassic Park except it is a third world Latin American country that has freedom fighters. I thought for a second that was Carl Weathers. And that this other guy was Robocop executive guy (sorry). Disappointed in both. “SILENT AND SMOOTH JUST LIKE ALWAYS.”
MAR: I loved this house when I was younger. And I love it even more now. I’d live there in a heartbeat.
CM: Great house. Like James T. Kirk’s house in Star Trek Generations. Even cutting wood like Shatner did! This old boss of his is gonna turn on him or what? Like Syrians would worry about coming to rural Colorado to … and of course they are. That was quick! Lol he could smell them coming.
MAR: “Downwind? You think I can smell them coming?” “I did.”
CM: It’s good so far. Some leather boi is about to kidnap his daughter.
MAR: Sexy saxophone out of place with the machine guns and slit throats.
CM: I mean that was just kinda dumb. What the fuck is he doing?
MAR: Drift-starting his truck. They cut the ignition or something.
CM: Possibly not the best plan. WHAT THE FUCK, FREDDIE MERCURY.
MAR: hahaha. He is somehow even more absurd here than in the Road Warrior, and he wears assless chaps in that.
CM: Dan Hedaya!! Oh no. This isn’t great. Hoo boy. That accent. I guess they hadn’t figured out yet that you just turn the air conditioning off on set and give Hedaya his lines to read and he just GOES.
MAR: Yessir. Hedaya is doing a Cuban accent, it sounds like.
CM: Well I don’t like this. Can’t take it seriously though from Cuban Hedaya. I really liked the guy with suspenders. Good look. …This guy’s an idiot. Take the money AND kill the guy. I really like the Freddie Mercury guy too. The big jheri curl dude… I dunno. He’s got a great hat.
MAR: I love pre-9/11 airport scenes. Just walk right up to the plane.
CM: Some shit’s gonna go down on this plane I guess. Otherwise we wouldn’t be setting this up as much as we are. Is he Viola Davis’ dad? Well, OK. He is dead. This is good. So far. “My friend is Dead Tired.” Nothing will EVER compare to “You’re luggage” though. I think I have a particular love of Eraser because it was the first Arnold movie I probably saw.
MAR: We get a shot of Matrix on the toilet for some reason. I guess he really was airsick. Eraser was the first Arnold movie that you saw??
CM: Like I said, I wasn’t allowed to watch violent movies. I think I rented it when I was probably 14. My Mom probably allowed me to watch it because Eldin from Murphy Brown was in it or something (Robert Pastorelli was in fact in Eraser. I had to double-check. –Ed.). What the fuck is this. That was… not smart. But I’ll overlook it because of the way he took off his coat. … That’s a nice boat. I don’t understand why Bill Duke killed that guy though.
MAR: I don’t recall there being an explanation for why the rest of the team was killed, unless the bad guys were seeking info on where Matrix was. We don’t see a reason on screen or have any dialogue referencing the murders, so it was probably hacked during the editing that cut the movie down to 89 minutes.
CM: Ohhhhhhhhhh. OK. I got it. That was his teammate. So was the guy with the younger wife. I like the short guy. He’s a real turd. Good character.
MAR: Rae Dawn Chong blows him off effectively, though. Probably used to it.
CM: I was about to say that she seemed like a pretty good actress for a small part.
MAR: She has second-billing, my dude.
CM: What else is she in? That guy never should have taken off his suspenders. He was so much more charming then. … Just laughed pretty hard as Matrix yanked that seat out of the convertible. I do not understand why he yanked out the seat. Or why he needs her to drive. Do you think he can’t drive a stick?
MAR: I guess he felt that it was better than stealing her car if she was driving? Or maybe so he can be inconspicuous.
CM: LOL Or he just ripped out the seat to impress her. He doesn’t even duck down. Back in the 80s everything was called a Galleria… She was in Soul Man. oh god, with C. Thomas Howell. I remember now. Good connection to the last movie! So he’s got until the end of the flight to get the girl?
MAR: It is gross how Matrix casually kidnaps, but at least the movie is internally logical. Matrix used her because he saw the creeper creeping on her, so she could distract the creeper by padding his ego.
CM: GOOD JOB RAE DAWN. GET THE POLICE. THAT’S THE SMART THING TO DO. …OMG just laughed out loud again at Matrix trying to hide behind a massive pillar but his tits are sticking out.
MAR: hahahah.. Moose logic. I can’t see them, they can’t see me.
CM: UGH. I miss malls.
MAR: I love that Matrix is basically chasing 80s Brecklin Meyer.
CM: I think she’s in love. Or something. Because otherwise this is a little too contrived. She should be out of the picture by now once she got away from Matrix, her kidnapper. She’s a good foil for him though, so I am glad she is still in the movie.
MAR: MAN, DON’T HURT THE PORSCHE. This is like a breath of fresh air after fucking Red Dawn.
CM: “I think I’m dead.” “You’re alright.” That is basically the interaction every time my kids hurt themselves.
MAR: “I LIED.” Then he drops suspenders off of the cliff.
CM: God. He’s gonna kick a hole in the bottom of the Porsche and start running like Fred Flintstone.
MAR: hah. A bird will turn and look right at the camera and say “Oh, boy.”
CM: Did people watch this shit and laugh back then? Or what?
MAR: I think this is deliberately light, especially compared to movies like Raw Deal or First Blood.
CM: I’m surprised I’ve never seen this. It’s pretty good. Putting aside Dan Hedaya’s accent.
MAR: I love that Bennett is a flabby villain.
CM: I do not know who Bennett is.
MAR: Freddie Mercury.
CM: Thank you. Use his Christian name from now on. But he’s awesome. This is not really at all what I was expecting. It’s like a ticking clock thing in America. I was expecting the whole movie to be in the jungle and him just killing dozens of people. It’s more like Eraser.
MAR: (tries not to spoil anything) Mmm-hmm.
CM: Don’t spoil anything. BILL DUKE. …I’m clapping again at Bill Duke getting a good line. I’m mad he’s about to die I guess. LOL There is a porno filming next door?
MAR: I remember this being the first time that I saw the glass cube wall thing in my life. Yeah, I believe that was a movie set in the adjacent room.
CM: The glass cube wall was not like, cemented together. I’m mad Duke is gone but glad he got a truly bonkers death. This isn’t CRAZY bloody like I was epecting.
MAR: Rae Dawn Chong is good in this. Loving it.
CM: I agree. She’s really good. He’s NOT BAD either. He’s not all that wooden. He’s more wooden in Twins… so Hedaya is a Central American drug runner? That’s lame. Why the fuck would he worry about getting back at a retired guy? Waste of time.
MAR: Hedaya is a deposed dictator of a banana republic. Matrix’s team deposed him. So he’s getting payback on the current president and on Matrix by forcing Matrix to assassinate the guy.
CM: Not a very practical plan.
MAR: This is 12 Angry Men in comparison with Red Dawn. This is my favorite Arnie mode, where he is really trying to act. He is fun in Conan but this is my jam.
CM: He is! Yeah. And he’s not over-doing the sweetie pie stuff either.
MAR: I like that they do the sneaking thing for scenes and scenes but now they use a bulldozer to rob a store.
CM: Yeah the bulldozer is good. …This movie isn’t stopping at all. It’s good. What the fuck is this store???
MAR: 80s, man. ARMEEE SURPLUS.
CM: ROCKET LAUNCHER. Literally the first thing I guessed and the first thing I saw when I looked the movie up… like just the poster or whatever. …Everybody in this movie is super horny. The cops assume that she’s a hooker because she smile at them.
MAR: “WAS THAT A BAZOOKA?,” Nicky Katt says in The Dark Knight.
CM: Big Dark Knight energy there, yeah. …So far this movie is making more sense than the Dark Knight to me. So… she’s flying the plane?
MAR: There was a line earlier about her studying to be licensed as a pilot. …And that was the slowest Jeep in the world.
CM: OK the general or whatever obviously isn’t a bad guy. Way different movie than I was expecting. I can’t decide if I hate Hedaya in this because I know what Hedaya actually is or because he sucks here. I think he sucks. But Freddie Mercury (Bennett –Ed.) is great.
MAR: “I’m not afraid of Matrix. I LOVE HIM.” Hedaya isn’t great here. They don’t let him be sweaty. Blood Simple Hedaya is like primo shit and that was this same year? (Blood Simple was 1984. –Ed.)
CM: Hedaya and Duke play partners in something, right? Payback?
MAR: I think so. Duke is definitely in that. (Jack Conley is Bill Duke’s partner, not Dan Hedaya, in Payback (1999). — Ed.)
CM: OK, so Matrix is now in a Speedo. Good for him. “Because all fuckin hell is gonna break loose” is a GOOD LINE. and I mean that. Where are they? I don’t really care, but like are they in Venezuela? Guatemala?
MAR: Made-up island. Val Verde. (There is apparently a long history of the fake nation of Val Verde in films. –Ed.)
CM: OK. I’m worried this is about to turn into something I don’t like. This is 100% what I was expecting for the entirety of the movie… I want goofy, not shooty. So he got all this shit from an ARMY SURPLUS STORE?
MAR: Seeing some shades of MacGruber here. Yeah, rest of movie is just shooty. The entire finale is here on the island.
CM: Got that rocket launcher in one hand, gun in the other.
MAR: They aren’t doing an elegant job of showing that Val Verde and this island fortress are two separate places. I think it could have been better established that one is a country and the other is Hedaya’s private island fortress.
CM: I think this would be better if this guy didn’t have a literal army because that feels like too much.
MAR: So… he doesn’t know which building houses his daughter. Seems loose to blow them all up.
CM: “Welcome back, John.” I liked that shit. Give me more weird Freddie Mercury guy.
MAR: Yeah for sure!
(The rest of the movie is a master class in 80s action movie excess, so much of the conversation has been excised since it was mostly yawns and LOLs. –Ed.)
CM: He needs like, a team or something. Or a plan. This is just shooting and killing and dumb.
MAR: It is weird because the movie was pretty good before he arrived here.
CM: And now Hedaya goes down.
MAR: Lotta squibs on Hedaya there.
CM: 100% should have switched out Hedaya and Duke’s roles. …I don’t like Bennett scaring and hurting the daughter, but I do like that he’s FUN. Bennett is so horny for Matrix. It’s so weird. Bennett is in no way physically scary. He should already be dead. But I still love him.
MAR: “Let’s party.” He should have worn a full chainmail shirt instead of a vest, I guess, since he immediately is slashed on his arm.
CM: If they were ballsier Bennett would have kissed Matrix when they fell on top of each other because that’s 100% what’s going on here. I do not at all buy that this guy could match him with physical strength.
MAR: Since we never get the reason that Bennett hates Matrix, other than a toss-off line about Bennett liking killing too much, we are left to infer from what evidence we have. And what we have comes across as a jilted lover or a scorned stalker.
CM: I LIKE THAT HE WAS ELECTRIFIED AND IT MADE HIM MORE POWERFUL. See that was great. I am clapping here. Good stuff. … But jesus, his daughter is right there! This death is so traumatic for her to watch!!!!
MAR: “Let off some steam, Bennett.” “Good one, dad.”
CM: Is that it? I’m OK with that being it. All the bad guys are dead, I guess. I very much would have liked Rae Dawn to have been involved in the last 20 minutes. But NOPE!
MAR: This song suxxxxx. These Joel Silver movies all have this dumb cocaine rock. “WE FIGHT FOR LOVE.” (It is baffling to me that this song was written by Power Station. It is so bad. –Ed.)
Post-Movie Thoughts
CM: I know why I thought this movie would suck. I think I caught some of the really dumb fighting and I know I saw the very, very end on the beach, and that is easily the worst parts of the movie. The first hour was GREAT. And the last half hour had moments, like anything with Freddie. But Arnie just kinda turned into the Terminator and that’s no fun. He needed Rae Dawn or his daughter there, like to make him human. And there needed to be a plan? Or something? He killed DOZENS of dudes. It made no sense. And then Hedaya was dead but I didn’t care.
MAR: Agreed.
CM: I’m surprised this doesn’t get more credit, though I was a lot more confused at minute 55 than minute 90. It moved so quick, was fun, had fun characters, then they killed off the good characters for the most part and left him a bunch of random soldiers to kill.
MAR: Yeah, they could have had more of the old unit on the island with Bennett. BILL DUKE, FFS, dies way back at the beginning.
CM: RIGHT. Like maybe the old unit was being held captive. And they’re all weird as hell. And he gets them to help him. Or Rae Dawn has literally anything to do for the last 20-30 minutes. They were good together. He was way better when he had someone to, ya know, act against. That last fight with Freddie Mercury even was better because that guy was fun.
MAR: They should have had Matrix and Rae Dawn go to Val Verde and explain the situation to the President there, who would send them to the fortress with a whole army. There could have been more opportunity for sneaking and banter. Arnie doesn’t even speak from when he gets off the plane to when he is shot by Bennett.
CM: Yeah, we should have seen the little suspenders Brecklin Meyer guy survive the fall and show up to cause some trouble on the plane. That would have been a nice foil for Rae.
MAR: So would you recommend it?
CM: Yeah. It’s really short and the first hour is genuinely fun. The last half hour or so was disappointing from a movie perspective but it’s kind of the archetype of a big, violent, dumb 80’s movies I guess. Which is weird, because I just was expecting it to be a little smarter. But yes, even the last part was worth it for being AS dumb as it was.