Natalie (Dramatic, slow-motion sigh, followed by cranked-up fast-motion sigh, followed by slow-motion sigh): Let’s watch the damned thing.
We had a few people ask us if we were covering the re-release of Justice League. Given that we are still in the doldrums of late winter, and it is raining out, and there is still a COVID quarantine, and our dog is recovering from pneumonia, and I had today off to recover, we figured that we might as well watch the movie. The one upside was that it only cost us a renewal of our HBO Max subscription, which we had been meaning to do anyway to finish up the excellent Harley Quinn show (and let’s be honest, it is time for another viewing of Deadwood).
Thoughts on the Poster
Natalie: Why is Wonder Woman in the middle [of the poster] and not Superman?
MAR: No comment.
Natalie: It could be because she is the only woman in the group. She, Batman, and Superman are sort in front, which makes sense. And the Wonder Woman movie is the best of them. Aquaman movie was probably #2.
MAR: Sure. But I don’t think that it is why. I think it is twofold. One, the movie gazes at Wonder Woman a LOT, at least the theatrical version did. So it could be that they are just putting her in the middle to draw attention to her physique like the movie does. Two, as you said, she had the hands-down best film of everyone in the group so far, so she probably tests the best out of all of them.
Natalie: Unfortunately, the second [Wonder Woman] wasn’t very good. Neither of us said anything about Batman yet because Ben Affleck sucks. (laughs) Even though Batman is usually the best character of these and has the most and best movies. But this iteration sucks.
MAR: I like this iteration to an extent. I think it is an interesting to do middle-aged, over-it Batman. It makes the fight scenes more ludicrous as he is an old dude and everyone else is a demigod, but he spends more time as Bruce Wayne in this than as Batman, so I am fine with him in this context.
Pre-Movie Thoughts
MAR: So what do you know about this movie?
Natalie: I know that it is the second cut of the movie. I didn’t watch any of these except for WW, WW84, and Aquaman. Is this the one where Superman has no memory or something?
MAR: Ummmm, or something, yeah.
Natalie: The scene where they are trying to hold him back, and his girlfriend (LOL. –Ed.) comes out to talk him off a ledge. Is that this movie?
MAR: Yes. (laughs)
Natalie: Then I know that much about this! I know what the Justice League is in general. I watched some of the cartoons. But I am really only doing this for the article. We will see how I feel after.
MAR: Any thoughts on HBO spending $70 mil to re-release a four-hour cut of this rather than just produce a new movie in the DC world?
Natalie: I think there are a couple of explanations. The pandemic affects production, so this gave them something to monetize. From my other knowledge of the movie, it was a turd. So they are trying to get some ROI here. Movies like this have been done to death and workshopped and formulaic, and I hate it. I don’t know if they are trying to do something slightly different with this to squeeze out the last juice. The math must have made sense.
MAR: I imagine the pandemic was part of it. And they must have felt that they’d get back at least the 70 mil that they spent on it, via HBO Max subscription. For example, we just re-upped so we could watch this thing.
Natalie: And Harley Quinn, which is great! That’s a comic book thing done well.
MAR: It’s a dope-ass cartoon.
Natalie: Ad there could be contractual things that we aren’t aware of, regarding Snyder or something.
MAR: Maybe. This dumb movie has been covered ad nauseum on twitter and elsewhere since the announcement of the Snyder Cut. So I feel like I would have heard something by now. Who knows. I think more that they just want to clean the slate with this movie, and show that “hey, we had something interesting at least,” because they almost surely intend to make more of these. So a second draft of this one, even if it is only a tiny bit better, at least engenders some goodwill for the next go-round.
Natalie: I wish it wouldn’t. (laughs) With the caveat that the new Batman with Robert Pattinson looks pretty dope so far.
MAR: I am a huge fan of his.
Natalie: Yeah, he’s really good. OK, let’s watch this damn thing. (Sighs)
MAR: What I am excited about: more Cyborg almost certainly means Joe Morton, who plays his dad.
Natalie: Oh, sweet!
MAR: hell yeah. Also, I heard that the part on Themyscira was completely reshot, and the one thing that Snyder does well, certainly compared to whatshisfuck, is that Snyder knows what makes action scenes work. He has a good eye for showing exaggerated movements and gestures.
Natalie: I need a gesture (Does a Vince Noir movement)
SpongeBob Narrator Voice: SIX. HOURS. LATER.
After Thoughts
Natalie: The movie was bad. I didn’t see the other version, so I do not have a comparison, but I thought it was pretty bad. There were parts that I enjoyed, which were few and far between. The bright spots for me were the battle thousands of years ago.
MAR: The one with the united earth defense, with the Green Lantern and stuff.
Natalie: Yes, that one. I thought there were some emotional scenes with the actors who played parents. I guess the actors who played the parents had some good scenes. Diane Lane, Billy Crudup, and Joe Morton. Some actual emotional beats there. And the Flash was delightful.
MAR: He was the highlight of the movie.
Natalie: Martian Manhunter was cool. I did some reading up and apparently he is stronger than Superman. He is the last green Martian, it said online. Living on earth for thousands of years. I also thought it was dumb how they couldn’t hurt Steppenwolf.
MAR: There is no weight and no stakes to anything.
Natalie: I couldn’t see anything either. The movie was too long too. It probably should have been a two-parter. I did not like that Aquaman was so dour, because he is pretty fun in the James Wan movie. There was no fun in this movie. Oh, and I liked Lex Luthor. He only had one scene but it was good. Just playing it like the creep from The Social Network.
MAR: I also kinda liked Jesse Eisenberg.
Natalie: I know a lot of people enjoyed the extra scenes of Cyborg, but I don’t know what was in the original. It was fine. His performance was ok. I am surprised that I didn’t hate Ben Affleck, which I had expected. Overall, my expectations were pretty low, and this was worse than my expectations. Waste of four (or more!) hours watching. I also didn’t like the music, but I liked the Icelandic singing part. But not the needle drops.
MAR: Any final thoughts?
Natalie: I guess, if people want to watch one of these, they should watch Wonder Woman (the first one) or Aquaman. Hopefully the new Flash and new Batman should be cool.
Alleged Buff is a series where MattRob talks to Natalie about a film that she hasn’t seen: what she thinks it is about, whether she was interested in seeing it. Then they watch the film, and talk about it now that she’s seen it.