When it comes to horror imagery, one person’s terror is another person’s boredom.
It is spooky season. The best time of the year, weather-wise, overlaps with the best holiday of the year, Halloween. We get amazing Western Pennsylvania weather (other than the rain that has fallen for a solid month) which means fall beers and flannel and basketball. And we get Halloween, one of the oddest of US holidays. Pagan roots (just like Easter and Christmas)? Yep. Costumes and candy? Yep. Pranks, monsters, pumpkins, fog? YOU BETCHA.
I love horror movies. Great genre, but likely the genre of film (other than pornography) that generates the most polarized response. “I like movies… but I don’t like horror.” I feel that this is because horror encompasses every kind of fear that humans hold, and some people enjoy the titillation of (manufactured) fear, but other people do not. But even within the population of people who do like being scared, there are types of scares that people like, people hate, and some that people cannot refuse to engage for a myriad of reasons.
Myself, for instance. I love body horror even though I can be squeamish in real life. I also love cosmic horror, some slashers, horror comedy, psychological horror, and ghosts. But I cannot stand mental institution movies or rape-revenge horror, and I don’t really like to watch animals or children in distress. Religious horror is something I can take or leave: it doesn’t have a hold over other than vestigial superstitions from youth, but it also is usually too reliant on aping The Exorcist (1973), and the biggest sin one can make in horror is to do bring nothing new to the table.
Constantine is horror-adjacent, relying on noir tropes, the aforementioned Exorcist, occult nonsense, and movies like Se7en to deliver a mostly mediocre detective story. The movie has horror elements mixed in with the occult investigator stuff, especially in its storyline about the Spear of Destiny that is being carried to the city by a possessed youth for reasons. But there is also an exorcism near the beginning of the movie, which is the relevant section. I was watching the movie with some other people, and this exorcism scene began, and I was disinterested at best. However, one of the other viewers was terrified during the scene, as they genuinely believe in demonic possession. I thought nothing of the events onscreen beyond appreciation of the use of the mirror to extract the demon, but we had to turn the movie off as the other person needed a few minutes to calm down.
Two people watching the same horror scene, and two extremely different reactions. Horror is cool in how it works like that (obviously not cool in the extreme reaction felt by the person, but a life lesson that consulting IMDB.com beforehand is useful if one has a very specific trigger). The VVitch (2015) is a moody horror movie that is redolent with Christian religious imagery, but is also unrelenting in its horror after the first ten minutes. And despite not being generally susceptible to religious horror, I maintain that The VVitch is the scariest movie that I’ve ever seen. What made its scenes of possession and murder different feel scarier there compared to Constantine? Some combination of setting, expectations, tone, direction, and story, I guess. Most people who I talk to, though, were indifferent at best to The VVitch, so the time of day may have also played a part (4am on a foggy spring day is probably the most witchy time to watch The VVitch).
Constantine also has a storyline about the suicide of a twin and its effect on the other twin, and there is a lot of stuff about some grand conspiracy by an angel and some demons to bring about the end of the world or something (the aforementioned Spear of Destiny plays into this somehow). I mostly remember Constantine because Peter Stormare plays Satan, Pruitt Taylor Vince plays a twitchy priest, and I get to ogle Rachel Weisz and Keanu Reeves for two hours.
I should like occult horror more than I do, honestly. At its heart, it is super nerdy as it leans heavily on myths, history, cryptids, research, and magickal silliness. Characters in these stories are always visiting dusty libraries or old monasteries, and the finales are always occurring on a cliff or in an underground ice temple or on the roof of 55 Central Park West. But too many of the stories trot out the same greatest hits. As I said before, the greatest sin in horror is boredom. Hellboy and Harry Dresden and Indiana Jones and the staff of Warehouse 13 are all after the same holy grails and Nicola Tesla journals and lost tombs of Amon Ra. Constantine covers the same well-trod territory but with far less panache (despite its cast).
I’ve had lackluster experiences with some other horror this spooky season. Jennifer’s Body (2009) was a first watch for me that almost worked because of the strength of the performances of Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried and their chemistry. But the dialogue tried too hard to mimic how high schoolers might really talk (that is, poorly, coarsely, and mostly slang). I know that English speakers, especially in the US and UK, are overly reliant on idioms and slang, but it deflated the tension. And cripes, I think that variations on the slur “retard” are used three dozen times and this movie came out in 2009. There’s no “but it was a different time!” excuse here.
My rewatch of Mars Attacks (1996) was about as disappointing. It was another horror-adjacent movie that was frustratingly close to working. The central premise, that the aliens are openly hostile every time the humans try to engage them, but the humans keep trying anyway, is funny. The special effects are odd and the violence gratuitous. But there is no tension in any scene because nothing is given any weight. Sarah Jessica Parker’s head is attached to her dog’s body, but it gets two seconds of tension and then there is a joke that undercuts it. Jack Black’s character is melted in what should be a sad moment but it cuts to Joe Don Baker and O-Lan Jones in what is easily the worst performance in two lengthy careers known for bad performances. I know that the movie is a comedy, but Tim Burton had a run before Mars Attacks and for a few movies afterward in which he was quite good at blending discomfort and comedy.
The Halloween (2018) remake fared better, and I look forward to watching the sequel when it is released next month. The Keep (1983) oozes with style and menace but fell apart during production, leaving two-thirds of a functional film and a hastily assembled finale. I guess that I am overdue for a genuine scare. I won’t turn to Constantine for that, but I’ll keep searching. With horror, one never knows whether one is about to be terrified for 90 minutes or idly scrolling through Twitter until the credits roll.
Other 2005 candidates: The Proposition; Kung Fu Hustle; Sin City; The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; A History of Violence; Kingdom of Heaven
I turn 40 in December. To commemorate the milestone, I’m writing 40 short biographical essays pertaining to a movie per year of my life.